1709706 followers
926 tweets
StephenAtHome
Can anybody babysit for me while I'm on break? Or to be more accurate, baby-cageless-cobra-sit for me?
StephenAtHome
Nobody puts Stephen in a corner. Because that's where I keep all my outdated movie references.
StephenAtHome
I’m a real American. I don’t just take Labor Day off, I take Labor Week off. See you on the 7th!
StephenAtHome
See you at the emmys this weekend! To help you recognize me, i'll be the one holding an emmy.
StephenAtHome
Still can't decide how to dress for Beck's 8/28 rally. Silk pantaloons or Continental Congress Casual?
StephenAtHome
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, then I guess I just got away with tree murder.
StephenAtHome
By reading this tweet, you have earned a masters in communication from Stephen Colbert "University." Standard text messaging rates apply.
StephenAtHome
My only problem with online universities is the difficulty of throwing an online keg party.
StephenAtHome
If our flag has 13 stripes, shouldn't our year have 13 months? The new month can be called Amonthica. Also I need to take Amonthica 3rd off.
StephenAtHome
my two emmys are getting along so well, i think one of them might be pregnant
StephenAtHome
Iran began loading rods into their reactor. But I thought Iran's strict moral code called for the stoning of anyone caught "rod loading"?
StephenAtHome
Iran may have a new weapon, but there's a bright side: they have to acknowledge Israel exists before they can attack it.
StephenAtHome
Have you seen this? http://yfrog.com/mu3xpj
StephenAtHome
If anyone has trouble finding the key to my heart, I keep an extra set under the stones in my kidney.
StephenAtHome
If there are any ufo nielsen families out there, please tell me what I can do to attract you. Human enslavement? Guest probes? just say it.
StephenAtHome
This Emmy is my new favorite rich guy thing to serve tacos out of.
StephenAtHome
I can't believe my writers won another Emmy. Now they're going to start demanding snack breaks.
StephenAtHome
If (well-known maxim), then why (twist on literal meaning of maxim)? Hey, my writers didn't do my tweets either!
StephenAtHome
I finally found a word that rhymes with orange! Orangutan! The "utan" is silent.
StephenAtHome
You have to break a few chairs if you want to make an omelet. I'm sorry, making omelets just makes me really mad.
StephenAtHome
I finally found a word that rhymes with orange! Orangutan! The "utan" is silent.
StephenAtHome
bed bugs are on the rise, giving way to the new expression: "goodnight. sleep tight. oh my god! they're everywhere! get them off!"
StephenAtHome
It's a good thing the gulf shrimp aren't tainted -- I'd hate to be forced to eat at the Bubba Gump Slug Company.
StephenAtHome
It’s OK. One of my best friends is cinnabar.
StephenAtHome
I can see why all these people want to leave Mexico. Last time I was in Cabo, the towel service was ATROCIOUS.
