conanobrien I was going to announce the name of my new show today, but my lawyers tell me "The Return of Nanny McPhee" is taken. Tune in tomorrow.

by Conan O'Brien, Comedian

conanobrien A huge victory for me at last night's Emmys. That's right, my wife let me have the aisle seat.

by Conan O'Brien, Comedian

conanobrien Hey gang! I'm off to The Emmys on NBC! Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

by Conan O'Brien, Comedian

conanobrien I may be jumping into this whole Muslim controversy a little late, but really? He's going to call himself Kareem Abdul Jabbar?

by Conan O'Brien, Comedian

conanobrien When Churchill said "Difficulties mastered are opportunities won", I don't think he had ever tried to "sext" on an iPhone.

by Conan O'Brien, Comedian

conanobrien Someone just explained to me that I don't get paid for tweeting. I'm going to miss you guys.

by Conan O'Brien, Comedian

conanobrien LeVar Burton wants to start a Twitter war with me. I don't have time to feud with anyone who appeared in the Cameo "Word Up" video.

by Conan O'Brien, Comedian

conanobrien Lady Gaga just passed Britney Spears as the person with the most Twitter followers. In a related story, I'm closing in on LeVar Burton!

by Conan O'Brien, Comedian

conanobrien Stallone is still on top! Our reward: more Planet Hollywoods.

by Conan O'Brien, Comedian

conanobrien In a recent interview, Kim Kardashian says her "entire body is hairless". Sounds like she went into a salon and asked for "The O'Brien".

by Conan O'Brien, Comedian

conanobrien My writers are nominated tonight at the Creative Arts Emmys. Win or lose, it's an honor just knowing none of them will get laid.

by Conan O'Brien, Comedian

conanobrien I came into my office today and Andy had hung this over my desk. He apparently has a lot of them. http://twitpic.com/2giosz

by Conan O'Brien, Comedian

conanobrien The FDA egg recall has hit a total of 380 million eggs. I can’t wait till they find the tired, evil hen that did this.

by Conan O'Brien, Comedian

conanobrien The NASA robot doing chores on the space station has its own Twitter account. I'm glad to see NASA is still shooting for the stars.

by Conan O'Brien, Comedian

conanobrien Today’s NY Post says I was spotted in NYC dining with Maury Povich and Connie Chung. Whoever’s impersonating me—aim higher.

by Conan O'Brien, Comedian

conanobrien Stallone's movie "The Expendables" is #1. Look for the movie coming out about my exploits in high school: "The Let'sBeFriendables".

by Conan O'Brien, Comedian

conanobrien On JetBlue and the flight attendant just offered us "all the f***ing Terra Blue chips you a**holes can eat." Love this airline!

by Conan O'Brien, Comedian

conanobrien Just booked the first guest for my new show. Tune in to see me cuddle a pygmy tufted-ear marmoset.

by Conan O'Brien, Comedian

conanobrien Lebron tweeted that he remembers everyone who's done him wrong. Or more specifically, everyone who told him to grow an Abe Lincoln beard.

by Conan O'Brien, Comedian

conanobrien My new bathroom at TBS has two railings around the toilet. Those idiots - I asked for four. http://twitpic.com/2e1cwa

by Conan O'Brien, Comedian

conanobrien My wife is out of town for a few days. When the cat's away, the mice will watch G String Divas.

by Conan O'Brien, Comedian

conanobrien For those of you who are wondering, yes, this is a photo of me at 18: http://bit.ly/9yJ6zx. It's also a photo of me at 30. And 40.

by Conan O'Brien, Comedian

conanobrien Ricky Gervais asked me to tweet that his movie Cemetery Junction is playing at Mann Theatre in Glendale. I refuse.

by Conan O'Brien, Comedian

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