Jim Gaffigan
Husband to hot wife, father, comedian, actor, writer, sleeper
Comedian
http://twitter.com/jimgaffigan
http://jimgaffigan.com/appearances.shtml
287688 followers
1213 tweets
jimgaffigan
Thank you Apple for inventing the software to fix the software you invented that broke my phone.
jimgaffigan
Dear Poopie Pants' Responders, I'M not the one holding them hostage. Save your pseudo-moral judgments for every late night talk show.
jimgaffigan
You'd think there'd be a hostage situation at the Mystery Channel building.
jimgaffigan
"Hostage Situation at the Discovery Channel Building." I'm shocked! The Discovery Channel has its' own building?!
jimgaffigan
Upcoming shows Wendover(NV), Vegas, Seattle, Boston, Phoenix, NYC, Milwuakee. See dates here http://tinyurl.com/6lnykv
jimgaffigan
THANKS! RT @twtceleb
Amazon MP3 Downloads #1: Jim Gaffigan: Jim Gaffigan 1,041% Sales Rank in: 24 (was 274 yesterday) http://amzn.to/aE8KMY
jimgaffigan
Jet skis are fun but you always look like someone who doesn’t have enough friends to fill a boat.
jimgaffigan
"Doing My Time", my first Comedy Central album is only $5 on Amazon for a short time http://tinyurl.com/2uw4crb
jimgaffigan
My first Comedy Central Album is on $5 on Amazon for a short time http://tinyurl.com/2uw4crb
jimgaffigan
You know what I think is awkward? The spelling of awkward.
jimgaffigan
Lou Gehrig didn’t have Lou Gehrig’s disease. What’s next? We find out Hugh Downs doesn’t have Down’s syndrome?
jimgaffigan
"Intern" is a fancy word for “if you have rich parents, you can work here for free.”
jimgaffigan
I’d do more morning radio if they had it in the afternoon.
jimgaffigan
Would you answer a yes or no question that was posed just to prompt you to respond on Twitter?
jimgaffigan
I’ve been informed I’m not IN Cape Cod, I’m ON Cape Cod. How about this: I’m IN a house ON Cape Cod freezing my ass OFF. #oncapecold
jimgaffigan
I'm in Cape Cod but it feels more like I'm in November.
jimgaffigan
Shows this week Cohasset/MA, Hyannis/MA and Hampton Beach/NH (Sold Out). http://tinyurl.com/6lnykv . Pl RT in New England
jimgaffigan
http://tweetphoto.com/40995544 I was gonna get the Kool-Aid flavored, but I'm an adult.
jimgaffigan
Goat Cheese: "Hey you know that disgusting animal you'd never eat? Check out what we did with some of it's breast milk!"
jimgaffigan
Hey TSA employees, just a reminder you are supposed to stop terrorism, not all air travel.
jimgaffigan
In five years I’ll probably be thinking, “I can’t believe five years ago I cared what I’d be thinking in five years”.
jimgaffigan
http://tweetphoto.com/40348281 @bigalgoodwin is actually trying to convince me bartenders wear name tags with fake names.
jimgaffigan
Just drove by a highway sign "Big Beaver Rd. Exit 69". Really Detroit?
jimgaffigan
Goodbye Dr Laura. I hardly knew you. Well, I didn't know you...at all. Who are you? Why are you in the news? Why dont you have a last name?
jimgaffigan
I don’t like to think of myself overweight. I more gutilicious.
